Phone Calls and Memories

This morning I got a most unusual message on my phone, I guess not really considering the source. It was pretty much par for the course from her. It was from my friend/cousin. It was a message playing "My Town" -- Montgomery Gentry. This is one of my favorite things to send and receive. A song, between us, that is special to us, and only "us" knows why this song means anything, and every time we hear this song we think of each other. The "us" could have more than one song or only one song. But I love that no matter where we are, or what we are doing, we stop for a moment, re-connect and go back in time, to the time when that song turned from just any old song, to OUR song.

The particular song takes me back to the summer I was going to get married and my friend/cousin and I would pick up a six pack of Busch Lite and drive the hour and half from where we lived in the cities, to my home town. We would do this more than once a week and usually on a week night, where the next day we had to be back in the cities to work, at a very early hour. It makes me think of the windows down, sun shining, wind blowing, radio cranked up, stuck in traffic. And as soon as I think of how the windows were down, it reminds me of another memory, my husband who decided that our home town was "His Town", so when the song came on for him he would roll down the windows and drive around "His Town". He had to "make the rounds" as he called it, to check on "His Town". This is exactly why we would roll down the windows when ever we heard this song.

I love that forever, whenever I hear that song, I will think of here and she will think of me. I miss the days when we young, and wild and free, and usually drunk! Life was so much simpler back then (all 4 years ago). We did what ever we wanted and on weekends were usually a 6 pack in by Noon. I distinctly remember, shoes off, sun shining down on us, slight wind blowing, and we were ankle deep in the only mud puddle we could find. It couldn't have been more than 5 sq ft big. But it was enough to get our toes dirty.

Time will never be like that again, but I will always treasure the memories we made driving down the road, and it makes me look forward to the road trips of the future.

Baby not on the way...

We have trying/not trying to get pregnant for about a year. Not overly seeking, but doing nothing to prevent it either. In the last few months, I decided it's something I think I could do again. My first pregnancy was fairly uneventful, no major health problems and no major complications, but still wondered everyday why people do this more than once. I get it now. Once they are no longer babies, you begin to miss it terribly. Every day I was excited for Blue to learn something new and to hit his next milestone. I still am, but I miss him being so little. He is much easier to live with now. He can feed him self and walk. He can help get dressed and pick up the toys. He can tell you what he wants -- Milt (milk) or jooosh (juice). But he is growing up fast, and I feel like I am taking it for granted.

I was really good at keeping up with his baby book when he was smaller, now I haven't seen it in probably 3 months. I take a lot of pictures of him, but am bad a writing down the things he says. I will miss his voice and actually am already starting to miss it. He used to say Gup-pa. Now he says Gam-pa. I want him to forever refer to my dad as Gup-pa, but that was clearly short lived. He calls our friend Keg-ie. Soon, it will be her real name. I just want him to stay this age forever, or at least for a few more years, until I am done with him being 2, which I know will take much more than a year.

I decided a few weeks before his birthday that this is the year I am going to HATE the most. It seems a bit harsh but it's true. Now at his 2 year birthday, he is still part baby. But by his 3rd birthday, he will be all BOY and NO baby. He will be talking in full sentences, and asking "Why?" about everything. He will do things on his own, and go to Pre-School. He will not ask me to sing "The Big Cow" song (Mama, don't let your baby's grow up to be cowboys, Willie Nelson) any more and want to play in his room with out us. I am SO VERY NOT ready for all of this. As much as he doesn't' need me, I NEED him to need me. It makes my life make sense. And thus, ladies and gentleman, this is why people have more than one child, so they can torture themselves with these emotions and feelings year after year, as each child grows up and doesn't need them any more. This is exactly why people who swore they would never have more than one child, have more than one child.

They need to feel needed again. I need to feel needed again. I don't miss the waking up in the middle of the night, or the breast feeding (well maybe just a little), I don't miss having to make sure we had formula everywhere we went or even the price of formula, but I know it's all worth it, every stinkin' bit of it when Blue sits with me on the "cow-ch" and snuggles in, because he is trying to delay bedtime. And even though he thinks he's pretty smart, I actually tell him it's bedtime about 20 minutes before it actually is so he will snuggle with me and have me sing "The Big Cow" song.

It's all worth it when he gives big hugs and kisses at bedtime. I love him so much. And that is why we are willing to do it again, and again and again.

Missing my husband

My dearest love of my life was out of town for a few days and as much as I didn't think I would miss him too much, I really, really did. We have been away from each other before and for about the same amount of days. But for some reason this time was different. Maybe it was the snow (we got about 18 - 20"), or maybe it's that Blue is so much busier now, or maybe I just love him that much more than I used too. I felt very alone, and very helpless, with everything. Not that he shovels the snow (some one else comes and plows it -- we're lucky, I know), or not that he does all the cooking (we share this duty), not that he takes Blue to daycare (I always have), but this time, I was missing him terribly. I guess I felt like the protector of the house was gone, and what if...... he wouldn't be there to save us. Normally when we hear a weird, loud, different noise in the house he tries to send me to look. I tell him that's the husbands job. These thoughts are kind of all over, but I really missed him this trip. We were fine and plenty of things to do. But the snow was romantic and we were snowed in and he wasn't there to share it with us.

I realized (not that this is even close to a comparison, but it's the closest I have) that when my cousin had to go back to MT, and she was missing her man, I could see what she was feeling. Now they are totally different because Husband was coming back in 6 days, she doesn't know when she'll see Him again. But leaving someone you love, or having them leave you, even if only for a short time, makes you think about how much you love them. It makes you think about how life is so much different when they are not there. It makes you think of all the things life would not be, if they are not there, or if they were never there. I could see why she was so very sad. I'll admit that I even cried. Sappy, sappy girl, I know. But things have been going so well in our family lately. We have been having dinner together every night, talking, playing with Blue and enjoying life like people should do. Maybe I was just sad that it would not be like this for a few days.

My husband makes me want to be a better mom. I sometimes run out of patience with Blue and he is there to pick up where I am failing. He is the playful one, and I am the laundry, dinner, read the books before bed time mom. Blue and I have a different routine when he is not around. We snuggle more on the couch (after a long day at work, I just don't always feel like running around), we read books and learn new words and count and sing the ABCB's (that is not a typo -- that's what he calls them). When dad is around they play more and run and "fight" and play ball. I guess I should cherish this time because when dad is around, sometimes it's like I don't' exist. Only time for dad.

I try not to focus on bad things, but what if he didn't come back, or what if something happened to us while he was gone. Would he get on a plane and come home, would he send my mom to make sure all was well, would he just not worry about it? I pretty sure I know the answer (#1) but I got to thinking.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I am glad he'll be home today and I'm glad that he picked me to marry him.

Another worry for another day: What if we can't have more babies? This has been on my mind a lot lately and I'll have to write it out one day.